


Happy Fucking Birthday

by Loser_Angel_666



Series: Bisexual Dean Winchester [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love, Internalized Homophobia, John Winchester's Journal, M/M, homphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 07:54:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28774902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loser_Angel_666/pseuds/Loser_Angel_666
Summary: Based on the Journal entry that was on Tumblr"He turns up the volume, Queen blasts through the speakers, and he sings along with Freddie Mercury, because he feels a little bit free now. ...It doesn’t take long for Dean to come to the realization that this case wasn’t a gift. It wasn’t John telling Dean that he trusted him. And maybe he was overthinking things, but there’s no way it’s a coincidence... right?"
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, only at the end - Relationship
Series: Bisexual Dean Winchester [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2054808
Comments: 6
Kudos: 52





	Happy Fucking Birthday

**Author's Note:**

> I hate internalized homophobia :(
> 
> I know this fic has been written a bunch by other people, but I wrote it again anyway, I hope you enjoy

Turning 17 was the first year he felt different then the year before. If he had a normal life, with a normal family, they might have asked him “Do you feel any older?” and Dean might have said no. I’m just the same old me.

But Dean doesn’t have a normal life. He doesn’t have a normal family. And that morning he woke up feeling just as shitth as he always does.

So maybe it wasn’t the fact that he’s a year older now. Maybe it wasn’t something about being 17.

John sent him in his first case, and sue him for being a little excited. Maybe it meant his dad trusted him, finally. Trusted him to take care of this himself. A real case. Even if his heart tugs at watching Sam and his dad playing with an old deck of cards while Dean packed. Maybe he wanted his dad to trust him... but more than that, he wanted his dad to want him around.

In the car, he rolls down the window, as soon as he hits the open road with his dad and Sam behind him. He turns up the volume, Queen blasts through the speakers, and he sings along with Freddie Mercury, because he feels a little bit free now. A little bit like himself.

When he gets there, he pulls out the files for the case, pulls up some of his research and sets to work.

It doesn’t take long for Dean to come to the realization that this case wasn’t a gift. It wasn’t John telling Dean that he trusted him. And maybe he was overthinking things, but there’s no way it’s a coincidence... right?

A few weeks ago, Dean had been in the passenger seat with his dad behind the wheel. Sam was back at the motel and the radio was on.

***

‘Young man jumped outside grocery store last night... hospitalized... hate crime... wearing makeup... the attacker was not arrested.”

Dean tries not to listen, but his eyes are still wide and his attention flutters between the news story and the website for their current case. John is listening too with a grim look and Dean thinks maybe it means he’s as horrified as Dean is.

“People can be awful,” Dean mutters, like it doesn’t affect him personally.

“Yeah well,” John shrugs, there’s nothing they can do about it. “Maybe he deserved a bit of a beating.”

“He’s... he’s in the hospital.”

“Dean, sometimes people like that need a little roughing up, don’t go soft on me now boy, that’s no way a man should be.”

Dean only looks at his father for a minute. He should have expected that.

“Right, of course sir.”

John looks at him weird after that. Dean thinks that he must be easy to read, even to his dad who never cared to pay attention.

***

So his dad knew then. Or suspected at least, and now Dean had to do this case. It wasn’t a sign of trust, it was a warning. That this isn’t in the cards for him. And if he ever were to give in, if he ever were to be like this, he’ll end up just like these nuns.

Afraid and lost because they dared to love someone who wasn’t meant to be loved like that. Dead because they rebelled. Dead. For no reason besides that they had loved each other enough to die for it.

Dean hates this. 'Happy Fucking birthday' He thinks, and forces himself to get to work.

He puts more research in than he would a normal case and he’s not sure if he did it on purpose, but they deserved the thought and respect and they certainly didn’t get it in life. He finds their graves, digging the bodies up with reverence. They didn’t deserve it any less because of who they were.

Dean wonders why he can think that about them, but not about himself.

He moves one set of bones into the other grave. It’s just easier that way, he tells himself... at least they can be together here.

He already cried on this case. When the ghosts had shown up, taunting him like they knew who he was. Like they knew what he might become. Taunting him for being the same as them.

But now… eyes hovering on their names on the graves, the flames growing in front of him, the sudden stillness, the warning of the warm flames. He feels numb to it now.

He takes his dads warning. He reburies the nuns in the same casket and then tells himself he won’t be like them. It didn’t end well here, it wouldn’t end well for Dean. John was right. Maybe this was good for him.

So he drives back to John and Sam, radio off for once, and resolved to be the man his dad wants him to be.

24 years later, 65 if he counts his years in hell, Cas stands before him, telling him that he loves him. That he’s worth it. Cas has always torn down everything Dean thought he knew. He guesses it doesn’t stop, even while he says goodbye.

Being near Cas... having him there... it made him feel safe.

Without even realizing it, or letting themselves show it, they loved each other. They loved each other with so much of themselves that it was almost worth dealing with their shitty life... as long as it meant Cas was there too.

It was something they never said. Never dealt with. Never acted on. It was something they simply couldn’t have, at least not alive. Not with this life. But they loved each other on a foundation of rebellion and devotion.

Dean and Cas loved each other enough to die a thousand times over.

They would end up the same way Dean had always feared.


End file.
